antithesizes | King of Scars AU

King of Scars AU

Matthias isn't certain he's ready for this. Ready to let go of Nina, of this world... but he knows he needs to. His presence may not actively be causing Nina pain, but as long as he stays with her she'll never move on. She hasn't yet, just continues to drag his corpse behind her and grieve the lack of his physical presence despite that they still speak. That he still watches over her, still loves her with every fiber of his being -- it just isn't enough. He needs to go so Nina can truly live again and perhaps even once he belongs to Djel he'll be able to watch over her. No, not perhaps. He will. He's sworn to, and he cannot conceive of any form of existence in which he does not love Nina Zenik. Joining Djel is not losing himself. He'll never truly leave her. So despite what he's feeling, he speaks to her gently and with certainty.

Even in death I will find a way. Let me go to my god.

She doesn't want this either, but it's what's best and they both know it. And then she finds the right spot. Matthias watches her dig his grave by herself, watches her hands blister and tear as she forces the shovel into the frozen earth over and over. He watches as they lower his body and Nina sends her companion away, so she can say goodbye alone. She drops an ash sprig, flower petals from their friends, a handful of toffees and then begins to eulogize him, and it's hard to listen to. To hear the grief still in her voice but even more so the love. To know that they are still in love, but he has to go. There's nothing he can do for her if he lingers.

His spirit is intangible -- he has no form, not even to himself, no ghostly hand to reach out. It's as if he is pure consciousness, nothing more, and it was difficult in the first place to tether himself to Nina. When he speaks it's not anything like using words in life. He projects a thought, that's all. And now he does so one last time.

Little red bird, let me go.

She only weeps, and Matthias can no longer bear it. Agonizing as it is he shifts his focus from Nina to his own corpse, beneath its wrappings and tokens in the grave, and attempts to leave her. To go back to his body and thereby reside in the earth of his homeland instead, so spring waters can carry him to his god. His only hope is that she won't feel their bond break, and be in more pain than she already is.

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Nina almost manages it—it's like tearing her own heart out, but with Matthias' voice right there, telling her to keep going, it's almost possible.

And then she feels him leaving, and it's like something inside of her shifts. She knows she could go on without him. She knows she could survive it, like she's survived civil wars and shipwrecks and even the parem, but it isn't fair. Matthias deserves better. He deserves better than a makeshift funeral in the middle of nowhere, deserves better than his life being cut short before he figures out exactly the kind of man he can be. And if she's failed him a million times before, she can't let herself fail him this time, too.

This time, it isn't a conscious thing. She doesn't try to force him back to life like she did in Ketterdam, but her outpouring of grief and anger does something... different, this time. She feels herself plunging into death like a river again, and she feels that inescapable push from the women and girls buried around them. Maybe that's what does it, finally. A gift in exchange for Nina's help.

Nina feels a sudden rush as her breath is forced from her lungs, like falling into cold water, and it's so sudden and forceful that she gasps, tipping forward and just barely catching herself with her hands. Beneath his wrappings, Matthias' chest moves, and Nina freezes, eyes locked on him.

Almost. Matthias almost breaks the tether, feels the connection he was originally so desperate to form so that he could communicate with her fading away -- then there's something he can only describe as a sharp pull. But not towards Nina, exactly? He doesn't understand what's happening, turns his focus back to his love and sees her half-collapsed at the edge of his grave, power absolutely radiating from her.

Nina, no-- he projects his thought but can tell it doesn't work, not like before, she can't hear him. She's plunged back into death and suddenly he's very afraid for her. Please, Nina! Don't try this again, Matthias thinks frantically, remembering his body breathing and speaking and opening eyes as black as pitch. That wasn't him. But this time he does feel whatever she's doing. Maybe she's stronger now. Maybe--

His thoughts cut off abruptly as it's like the pull drags him over the edge of something and is replaced with a sensation almost like falling. Then he can't think straight at all, his entire being consumed by a burst of overwhelming confusion and fear. Everything is dark, and there's... pain? Matthias can't feel pain anymore, not as he was, but then he realizes he's not as he was. He hasn't been dead so long as to have forgotten having a body. Even before he's capable of coherent thought again he instinctively sucks in a sharp, ragged breath, and the ache in his chest eases.

The shock of it all keeps him from moving just yet, from trying to free himself from the wrappings, but he keeps breathing as awareness settles. Nina... how?

For a second, Nina doesn't move, either. She's not sure what's happened, but she's afraid it's like before. What if she's forced him back, and he's come back wrong again?

I am a soldier of the Second Army, she chastises herself silently. It doesn't matter how frightened she is. If she's brought him back as something else, then she has to fix it. Nothing else would be fair to Matthias. And maybe...

Nina grabs the lantern and scoots forward, slipping into the grave. It's so narrow she's forced to sit half on top of him, and her heart skips a beat when she pulls away the cloth to reveal his face. She lifts the lantern up, breath catching in her throat as she tries to get a look at his eyes.

Blue, like clear ice on a sunny day. It can't be possible, can it? Nina swallows, forcing the quaver out of her voice when she speaks.

"Matthias?"

Something else is happening. It's still so dark, and all he can hear is his own harsh breath and the gusting of wind above him, but then there's a rustling and pressure against his side. Something soft and heavy half-pins him to the earth but he doesn't have to worry about wriggling his arms free of either the weight or his wrappings. The cloth is already being pulled away, and then he can see. The world is blurred, but all he need is shape and color to recognize that it is in fact Nina atop him, before she raises the light so close he's blinded -- the opposite problem he had a moment ago, and he squints and blinks against it rapidly.

"It's me," he manages to confirm, his voice his own but also unsteady. She did it this time, somehow, and Matthias is still struggling a bit to process that but it's now that he does try to free his arms, because he has a sudden overwhelming need to reach for her. So long, it seems, he hasn't been able to, but his movements are clumsy and shaky.

If she'd set the lantern down and assist, he'd be much obliged.

Nina is officially in shock. When he speaks, her eyes flood with tears, blurring her vision. Even if everything is telling her this is real, she can't believe it. It's only his movement that snaps her out of it. She's sitting on his arm, pinning him down, and she tries to get out of his way as much as she can in the cramped confines of the grave.

She can only help with one hand, but they manage to get his torso free, at least. Then she leans forward, cupping his cheek with her free hand. She can't feel the life coursing through him anymore, not after the parem, but his skin is warm and flushed, and the realization tears a sob out of her.

"Are you really here?"

As soon as Matthias has his hands free of the linens, they're on Nina. He sits up and tugs her into his lap, holds her there with one arm around her waist and reaches up to mirror her when she sobs, his hand cradling her face.

It seems this is unfathomable to either of them, and yet she did it.

Matthias nods and leans into her touch, stroking his thumb across her cheek to wipe the tears away and holding her like she's the most precious thing in the world. To him, she is, after all. And she might be in shock now but he's doing his best to recover from his, to put more words together at a time than two, both in his mind and for Nina.

"I'm here now, just as I've been with you all this time." In case she wasn't certain -- sometimes she seemed to dismiss him as a hallucination of sorts, just her mind longing for him. He's a bit worried, though, that she's so shocked by this too. That neither of them seem to understand it. He can feel that he's himself and is glad he's truly back with her, that's what really matters, but he can't be certain yet that there isn't anything wrong with him. And he'd been prepared to go, was convinced that's what she needed to heal... very gently, he tries to ask. "Nina, how?"

As soon as he wraps his arms around her, Nina sets the lantern aside and clings. If his aim was to keep her from crying, this has the opposite effect. She breaks down immediately, all those months of trying to keep herself together suddenly overwhelming her. She buries her face in the crook of his neck, trying to get as close to the warmth of him as possible. Nina is fully aware that she's soaking his shirt through with tears, but she doesn't care.

"I don't know," she manages. "Oh, Saints, Matthias, I've missed you so much."

If it's his warmth she's after, she'd better soak it up now -- Matthias is already feeling a bit cold in just his funeral attire, so to speak, even sheltered from the wind by the grave. He has a far higher tolerance for it, of course, but these linens and perhaps one of their blankets may wind up repurposed soon enough. Later, that is. Right now his entire focus is on Nina, his own vague concerns shoved aside in favor of trying to soothe her. He threads his fingers into her hair and cradles her head, tightening his grip on her with his other arm. Reassuring her of the physical presence she's been longing for since the moment he was killed.

"I've longed to hold you this entire journey," he tells her earnestly, voice low and soft so close to her ear. Whatever he'd convinced himself was right, the fact was he hadn't wanted to say goodbye either. A power so strong, that neither of them understood... it was frightening, but it was Nina's power. Matthias could only believe this was a blessing, whatever might wind up being amiss. He'd missed her too, even technically being there. It was different.

He presses a kiss to her hair, eases up slightly so he can rub her back to comfort her. "I love you more than life, Nina, and somehow you gave mine back to me. It's alright."

He kisses her hair and she pulls in a shuddering breath, trying to calm herself but too overcome with emotion to really manage. How many times had she been tempted to sneak a look at his face one last time, but been too afraid to see him so still? She turns her head, lips pressing against his jawline. He's here. He's back. She can even feel his pulse, even if she can no longer sense it.

"I don't know if it was me. I felt... All the women buried here... I think they helped us."

It's the only explanation she can come up with, anyway. Maybe, for as much as Matthias had told her otherwise, he hadn't really been ready to go. Nina swallows and then pulls back, reaching up to take his face in her hands.

"Are you alright? Does anything hurt?"

"Then I owe them a great debt," Matthias replies, still stroking her back. "We'll find them justice, together."

Nina pulls back to look at him, searching his face for any sign that something is amiss. But now that the shock has passed his expression is calm and unpained, eyes shining with happiness to be fully with her again. He shakes his head slightly, then turns just enough to kiss her palm as well, avoiding the fresh blisters.

"I think I'm fine now. There's no pain."

He should probably check his stomach to be safe, but that would involve letting go of Nina and he's not ready to do that yet. Rather he shifts his hand from her hair to stroke it back from her face and try to draw her in. At the very end, he'd regretted that he had never kissed her first. Now he can actually make good on his intention to change that.

When he says there's no pain, Nina runs her hand down to his stomach instinctively. He seems fine. Feels fine. But before she can say so, he's leaning in to kiss her. For a split second, she's actually surprised. She's usually the one initiating, of course, but all of these realizations are hitting her slowly. He's okay, and she can actually kiss him again. Maybe that's morbid to do in a grave, but when his lips touch hers she responds anyway. It's not like she's ever cared about manners before.

Nina lets out a little sigh, pressing close. There are a million things she's going to have to explain and figure out, but at the moment, she doesn't care.

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King of Scars AU

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