King of Scars AU

[antithesizes]

Matthias isn't certain he's ready for this. Ready to let go of Nina, of this world... but he knows he needs to. His presence may not actively be causing Nina pain, but as long as he stays with her she'll never move on. She hasn't yet, just continues to drag his corpse behind her and grieve the lack of his physical presence despite that they still speak. That he still watches over her, still loves her with every fiber of his being -- it just isn't enough. He needs to go so Nina can truly live again and perhaps even once he belongs to Djel he'll be able to watch over her. No, not perhaps. He will. He's sworn to, and he cannot conceive of any form of existence in which he does not love Nina Zenik. Joining Djel is not losing himself. He'll never truly leave her. So despite what he's feeling, he speaks to her gently and with certainty.

Even in death I will find a way. Let me go to my god.

She doesn't want this either, but it's what's best and they both know it. And then she finds the right spot. Matthias watches her dig his grave by herself, watches her hands blister and tear as she forces the shovel into the frozen earth over and over. He watches as they lower his body and Nina sends her companion away, so she can say goodbye alone. She drops an ash sprig, flower petals from their friends, a handful of toffees and then begins to eulogize him, and it's hard to listen to. To hear the grief still in her voice but even more so the love. To know that they are still in love, but he has to go. There's nothing he can do for her if he lingers.

His spirit is intangible -- he has no form, not even to himself, no ghostly hand to reach out. It's as if he is pure consciousness, nothing more, and it was difficult in the first place to tether himself to Nina. When he speaks it's not anything like using words in life. He projects a thought, that's all. And now he does so one last time.

Little red bird, let me go.

She only weeps, and Matthias can no longer bear it. Agonizing as it is he shifts his focus from Nina to his own corpse, beneath its wrappings and tokens in the grave, and attempts to leave her. To go back to his body and thereby reside in the earth of his homeland instead, so spring waters can carry him to his god. His only hope is that she won't feel their bond break, and be in more pain than she already is.

Comments

[adorned]

Nina almost manages it—it's like tearing her own heart out, but with Matthias' voice right there, telling her to keep going, it's almost possible.

And then she feels him leaving, and it's like something inside of her shifts. She knows she could go on without him. She knows she could survive it, like she's survived civil wars and shipwrecks and even the parem, but it isn't fair. Matthias deserves better. He deserves better than a makeshift funeral in the middle of nowhere, deserves better than his life being cut short before he figures out exactly the kind of man he can be. And if she's failed him a million times before, she can't let herself fail him this time, too.

This time, it isn't a conscious thing. She doesn't try to force him back to life like she did in Ketterdam, but her outpouring of grief and anger does something... different, this time. She feels herself plunging into death like a river again, and she feels that inescapable push from the women and girls buried around them. Maybe that's what does it, finally. A gift in exchange for Nina's help.

Nina feels a sudden rush as her breath is forced from her lungs, like falling into cold water, and it's so sudden and forceful that she gasps, tipping forward and just barely catching herself with her hands. Beneath his wrappings, Matthias' chest moves, and Nina freezes, eyes locked on him.