Matthias Helvar (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
antithesizes) wrote2019-10-05 03:49 pm
antithesizes) wrote2019-10-05 03:49 pm
King of Scars AU
Matthias isn't certain he's ready for this. Ready to let go of Nina, of this world... but he knows he needs to. His presence may not actively be causing Nina pain, but as long as he stays with her she'll never move on. She hasn't yet, just continues to drag his corpse behind her and grieve the lack of his physical presence despite that they still speak. That he still watches over her, still loves her with every fiber of his being -- it just isn't enough. He needs to go so Nina can truly live again and perhaps even once he belongs to Djel he'll be able to watch over her. No, not perhaps. He will. He's sworn to, and he cannot conceive of any form of existence in which he does not love Nina Zenik. Joining Djel is not losing himself. He'll never truly leave her. So despite what he's feeling, he speaks to her gently and with certainty.
Even in death I will find a way. Let me go to my god.
She doesn't want this either, but it's what's best and they both know it. And then she finds the right spot. Matthias watches her dig his grave by herself, watches her hands blister and tear as she forces the shovel into the frozen earth over and over. He watches as they lower his body and Nina sends her companion away, so she can say goodbye alone. She drops an ash sprig, flower petals from their friends, a handful of toffees and then begins to eulogize him, and it's hard to listen to. To hear the grief still in her voice but even more so the love. To know that they are still in love, but he has to go. There's nothing he can do for her if he lingers.
His spirit is intangible -- he has no form, not even to himself, no ghostly hand to reach out. It's as if he is pure consciousness, nothing more, and it was difficult in the first place to tether himself to Nina. When he speaks it's not anything like using words in life. He projects a thought, that's all. And now he does so one last time.
Little red bird, let me go.
She only weeps, and Matthias can no longer bear it. Agonizing as it is he shifts his focus from Nina to his own corpse, beneath its wrappings and tokens in the grave, and attempts to leave her. To go back to his body and thereby reside in the earth of his homeland instead, so spring waters can carry him to his god. His only hope is that she won't feel their bond break, and be in more pain than she already is.
Even in death I will find a way. Let me go to my god.
She doesn't want this either, but it's what's best and they both know it. And then she finds the right spot. Matthias watches her dig his grave by herself, watches her hands blister and tear as she forces the shovel into the frozen earth over and over. He watches as they lower his body and Nina sends her companion away, so she can say goodbye alone. She drops an ash sprig, flower petals from their friends, a handful of toffees and then begins to eulogize him, and it's hard to listen to. To hear the grief still in her voice but even more so the love. To know that they are still in love, but he has to go. There's nothing he can do for her if he lingers.
His spirit is intangible -- he has no form, not even to himself, no ghostly hand to reach out. It's as if he is pure consciousness, nothing more, and it was difficult in the first place to tether himself to Nina. When he speaks it's not anything like using words in life. He projects a thought, that's all. And now he does so one last time.
Little red bird, let me go.
She only weeps, and Matthias can no longer bear it. Agonizing as it is he shifts his focus from Nina to his own corpse, beneath its wrappings and tokens in the grave, and attempts to leave her. To go back to his body and thereby reside in the earth of his homeland instead, so spring waters can carry him to his god. His only hope is that she won't feel their bond break, and be in more pain than she already is.